Tuesday, May 20, 2008

find the kid with the glasses

my pics of baseball card filled toilets, polaroid's , and cute array of colors are neatly packed away. On the fourth floor my purple pants and nico t-shirts are awashing and i'm in my dorm bed listening to belle and sebastisan, stumble-uponing and diary doing. I will officially be out of college in less than a week. An apartment will be ready for me by the beginning of august, and this is where my dorm experience ends.

I kind of really like it here though. Moldy bathrooms, the charming and almost nauseating dining center, small cramped rooms, and the infinite pile of homework. I like the fact it all kinda sucks. I like the cheap wine parties, the friends that are just waiting to be made and going from room to room discovering new and different opportunity. Everything feels new, I could be a
mailman, an astronaut and a rockstar all at once.

Why does it all just end here? I want to be part of the big scheme of things, I want to be a small kid in a big world, with surrounding college kids for miles and no one else.

I'm the girl with the glasses, sitting in room 301, whose best friends with the small brown boy and the hot guy from the forth floor. I just want to always want to be part of this life.

But as neatly packed as my photobooth pics, I find direction in simple ways. With a one-way trip, fafsa worries disappear. Applications write themselves, papers finish up, excitement for summer can't help but dissolve some worries and slowly I ease into the world of what my future holds. Everything is coming together, and I start to notice, that even though it all seemed like an official mess, if I could pull back a little it's as simple as the puzzle that hangs on my wall, a picture of three boys, one with the glasses and two with out. Overhead it reads: Find the Kid with the Glasses, its funny how easy it makes it all look.

424 Font Drive

My first deposit to my first home will go down this coming weekend. 424 Font Drive Sounds pleasant, doesn't it?

To me it sounds as scary as monsters
as surreal as a david lynch film
as removed as a used bandaid
as new as tags
and as real as flesh

but most of all, it sounds like adulthood ringing at the door.

I finish the application and I feel like crying. I like the dorms, i like my friends and i'm scared about what's going to happen. I love my life here, why does it all have to change?

Fafsa hasn't gotten back to me my award letter, and I just want to know what is going to happen to me. Where will I go, what will i do, how is this happening so fast? How will I pay for next year if i don't get financial aid.

At this time last year, I was so excited. I was at peace, enthused, a little sad about leaving high school, but I couldn't wait to see where my life would take me.

It led me to 424 Font drive, and I don't think that's what I was expecting or wanted.

How could my life less than a year ago have so much direction, how could I envy a period so much, how could I not foresee my lack of knowledge or my fear of growth?

I'm pregnant with doubt and I have no idea if i'll ever figure it out, I just want to feel like theres never ending possibilities not that the world will end at 20 in 424 Font Drive.

and they say the universe is expanding

I'm sitting in my cranky crinkly bed, watching Mary Poppins, refusing to grow up. I can't BELIEVE i'm going to be 20. I can't believe the universe has played this cruel joke to me after convincing me for so many years I was a young, sweet innocent babe. This is such fucking bullshit and I'm not going to stand for this injustice. I scream to my boyfriend, punctuating every word with a tear

"I'm going to be 38!"

"What? When?!"


I sob. I don't want to live in a world with out playground and joy for mcdonald happy meals. At this stage, even disneyland will lose its magic.

Life is so depressing.

gum drops and please walk signs

Against the blacktop table a white NO SMOKING sign shines and i wonder why they don't just say "please keep yourself healthy"? or "stay away from cancer"? "keep your lungs free of toxin and danger".

I guess it can't all be like my play class which encourages positive signs which read "Please walk" instead of "don't run"

But It's probably better that way because if we lived in "please walk" signed world, if a boy refrains from dating you, the shock would probably be enough to combust your heart.

I guess the harsh "don't run" signs cushion the blow in a way. I believe that in that "please walk" world, the "keep your lungs free of cancer" kingdom gum drop fairies make it so love is love not some strange thing that feels as if it only takes a word, name, thing, as if a turn on/off switch to change it.

Maybe I don't love.
Maybe I don't get it.

In the back of Mary Ward I hear drunken squeals and screeches as raccoons come out to inspect the night, wondering why this is happening.

I dunno little buddy, wish i could help but everyone in college seems to grow old and careless at times.

I sound like an insecure 13 year old, i swear i once was confident but this whole shindig has made me as vulnerable as a one legged pelcan and it's about time to mend that leg and get on with it.

sore throats

My throat wants to scream. Its saying:

screw you, i refuse to work for this cruddy old place anymore, for a cranky lady who just wants to complain about her dirty roomate. Think college is hard? Try being a throat. Trying having to shuffle all that old, tasteless, rough chuncks of gray colored carpet you call food down with out me.

Try seeing how u like staying up half the night, screaming out senseless drunk, staggering words in front of a club, when all you want is a warm cup of coco and Time magazine.

Try dealing with all those disguisting diseases, constantly trying to creep up on you when all ur trying to do is fight them all off so you can go back to your books on tapes and sandwhiches.

Try sucking on popsicles, cutting off ur only escape to the world and stuffing something strange and pulsating instead.

Try reciting useless pieces of information when u know ur old buddy, the brain, is out on a date, and won't be reciving any of this.

my throat is sore at me